Christmas always brings about an emotional time for everyone. It was so hard to get into the season. I am so blessed this year- and I have much to be thankful for- and I feel so guilty because I yearn for more. Not more as in things- but more as in time- More time with my mom- more time with my Grandma- and my dad and sisters and step-mom- more time with my cousins and my family. Thanksgiving has always been hard and was ruined for me when I was younger- I called to wish my Godmom a Happy Thanksgiving and found out she passed, then a few years ago my Grandpa passed. So needless to say I try to make it a good holiday but it seems to get worse as I get older.
I made a choice to move to Alabama 12 years ago, and when Sheldon was younger- we made way more visits than we can now. Things happened, and the last time I was there to visit was 2 years ago- so I miss it- I don’t forgive myself for missing my Grandfather’s funeral and missing my great- grandmother’s funeral- all in the same year. I know God has a plan and that it all is for a reason, and led me to where I am today. I need to forgive myself, and Lord knows that is the hardest thing I struggle with. So yes, I cried today, and I am crying now as I write this out to post. Who knows if I will even have the guts to post it? But every year I am away from my family it gets hard- I won’t get that time back. So yes, when my mom came to visit in July- I cherished every moment. And I feel so selfish for wanting more- but you see I grew up very family oriented- and we spent a lot of time together- it didn’t mean we were out spending money- those are the memories I remember- the time spent laughing and crying and just being there for each other.
So here I am- trying to raise my children- and do what is best for us all- and yet I can’t help but wish I had my family here. It is a hard for me to wake up every day and know I don’t have the money to visit them- and may not for at least another year or so. I am so very grateful that my mom can come down and visit- and I wish my Grandma would be able to- but for health reasons she can’t. Since I can’t forgive myself already for the time lost- how can I forgive myself for the time I am still losing? I don’t want this to be a pity post- but the holidays are hard for everyone- so I do try to do a little more- I smile and try to be nice to everyone- you never know what kind of struggle someone is going through.
I need to be thankful- I worked so hard to get to where I am right now. But sometimes I feel like I am always sacrificing for everyone else- when is it my time to get what I need/want? My Grandma and Grandpa always told me- and my mom- you can’t take care of everyone else if you aren’t taking care of yourself. So this is me trying- trying to forgive myself- trying to slowly reach my point of happiness. Happiness is what you make it.
On a lighter note- I am thankful this year I have my own house. It is not my ideal location- and we don’t have enough land for my farm that I want- but I am going to do the best with what I do have. I love coming home to my house and thinking- This is Mine! I am very blessed with two beautiful girls- whom are becoming great people. I see it every day, and know that at some point- they will not be here in my house. I am thankful for a car that I do not have to worry about. That is a huge blessing- now I just worry about a payment. ( I worry, I worry too much- and yes- I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and have to learn to let go. That is a post for another day.) I am thankful I have a job.
Here’s to the next few weeks and then next year- Learning to Let Go- and forgive myself- and making more happiness!